The secret

What is wrong with the response, “well if it were me, I wouldn’t feel that way…”? For starters, in conflict resolution, one of the primary ways of resolving conflict rests not on coming to agreement but on acknowledging the other person’s feelings. Not to admit guilt, not to make restitution, but to simply say, “It sounds like you feel sad/angry/frustrated.”

For seconds… here’s an analogy: When I was in third grade the teacher refused to let us use the bathroom all day. Not even to wash hands before lunch. She couldn’t control the boys in their bathroom, so no one could go at all. Our playground was bordered by a cemetery on one side, a bit of woods on another, and a field. We weren’t allowed to go to any but if a ball got lost someone could go get it. (A lot of balls got lost and retrieved that year.)

In the meantime, my ‘best’ friend (yeah, right) told me that I shouldn’t have to pee because she rode the bus to and from school and SHE could hold it. It took years before I realized why those balls got lost in the woods and how may times she retrieved them. In the meantime the kids laughed at me because I wet myself–no third grader should have been required to not use the bathroom all day and I should have been permitted to do what was natural, normal, right and sanitary.

To me when people tell me that I shouldn’t feel or react a certain way, or that they wouldn’t if it were them, is kind of like that year of school. It was no one’s business whether I could hold it or not. Holding it for 8 hours is not normal for a third grader. It’s not healthy. That my ‘friend’ commented that I shouldn’t have to because she could, that the teacher said she expected it… and that I didn’t know the playground secret are to me kind of like the people in adult life who say they wouldn’t care. I didn’t ask them, and it’s NOT NORMAL not to care. And so I get upset, not that I feel, but because someone else says they don’t but then… chases the ball into the woods everyday.


About thrugracealone

I'm a country girl raised city. I prefer open windows to AC, love a good thunderstorm, and enjoy hearing the owls and seeing lightning bugs. A bit old-fashioned, maybe, I can recognize many trees by name, resent elms and weeds, wish for a large garden and canning skills, and hope someday to downsize and get a few acres in the country. I am blessed with a terrific church, a good job, a sturdy house, two cats and a yard full of strawberries and mulberries in the right season. Some of my other favorite things to do are spoiling nieces and nephews, reading, swimming, biking, long walks, and blogging, of course. One of my favorite stories is creation. My abbreviated version goes like this: 1In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2Now the earth wasa formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters... And God moved... And God said... And it was very good. If God can speak to darkness, to an earth without form and void, and make something like this that we see everyday, and make it very good (and it was even better before the Fall!), He will surely make something wonderful out of the dark, void situations I sometimes find myself in. He has, and it's been very good. Two top posts: Can a Person Lose their Salvation? Baptism!

Posted on January 31, 2017, in Christianity. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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