Culture shock

I recently joined a mainstream, healthy church after being in an unhealthy group several years. Going there’s been interesting at times… They can quote a verse and understand it completely differently than me, can use a Bible term I’ve thought I understood and mean something else by it, and sometimes have a very different perspective that I do on things. This week there’s been more of that. I’ve decided the term “culture shock” is fitting. I may love the services and enjoy the church, but it still takes a lot of getting used to, going from a church where so much was taboo, restricted or dangerous to a place where people are accepted for who they are. Like moving from Baghdad to small town America. Major culture shock, but I like it!

If you are a long-time member of a church, be patient with people who are new to your church. Take time to explain what you mean. Be careful of your church terminology, even if they were Christians before. Many things you take for granted may be very new to them. Things related to church government or various theological arguments might be especially confusing. Things like “church autonomy”, “elder”,  “presbytery”, “pastoral authority”, “support the ministry”, “tithes and offerings”, “worship”, “praise” and “dedication” can mean such different things to people from other churches or denominations. “Quiet time”, “prayer”, “devotions”, “fasting” and such can become quite confusing. Not everyone is comfortable asking what these mean in their new church. It’s not that they weren’t Christians or haven’t studied their Bibles. But over time, terms have become accepted in one place and not in another.

Consider the English language. If an American went to Britain, they would fairly quickly notice some language differences. They speak the same language and can understand each other to a large degree, but there are also distinct differences between the two countries’ languages. Accents and terms vary from place to place. Similarly, a person from New York City could move to Missouri’s bootheel and see and hear what to them would be some very strange  things. Yet we Missourians would say the same about them. And yet we’re all Americans.

For those who find themselves in my situation, finding a different sort of church and loving it, but not understanding it, remember, you aren’t alone. And if you don’t want to go into too many details, perhaps now you have a way of explaining: I like this church. It’s my home and family. Yet I’m used to a very different “church culture”. Please explain…

If you experience church culture shock, it doesn’t mean the church is unhealthy. But it can be… well, a shock. Take your time. Ask questions. And enjoy the journey.

“unhealthy groups”

I mentioned in my post on baptism that I’d been part of an “unhealthy group”. There’s really no need to name one… there are healthy and unhealthy churches under most-if not all-denominational banners.

What makes a church group-or any other group for that matter-unhealthy? There are lists published by people more qualified than I about exactly what constitutes an unhealthy group. My unprofessional synopsis is that if the group is consistently demanding or demeaning or a person finds himself doing things for them or with them in fear, the group is probably unhealthy for that person. Someone else may find the group to be healthy, but for the one living in fear, condemnation, shame, or other negativities, it’s unhealthy. And for anyone involved in creating those feelings, putting others down, acting disdainfully toward others, condemning and shaming others, the group is also unhealthy, though they might not realize or want to admit it. Bullies are victims as much as are the bullied.

What should a person in an unhealthy environment do? Some choose to stay there, hoping things will improve. Some try to change the group from the inside. Some ignore the problem or become part of it. And some leave.

I left. It wasn’t an easy decision, nor have things been easy since. Yet for me, it was the very best choice I could have made.

How does a person leave? Not pridefully or noisily. Not with fanfare or dramatically. Think about the high school clicks. Leaving with announcements of how terrible a click was only stirs their attitudes against the one who leaves. Trying to pull others out of the click, dividing people off, only leads to the development of new clicks. Too many people leave a group they despise only to do the same things they looked down on others for doing. The goal isn’t to start or find a new group that is just as unhealthy as the last, but rather to grow and mature into a healthy person. For that reason, to me, leaving an unhealthy situation quietly, carefully, respectfully and prayerfully seems the best in most cases.

Baptism!

I’ll update everyone later about more of my past, but today I’m happy. I was concerned that I would have nightmares, that I would be so nervous I’d make myself sick, that I’d have last minute doubts… that I’d get food poisoning and wouldn’t be able to go to church this morning…

None of that happened. For me, getting rebaptized was the best thing I could have done at this point. Rebaptized? Yes. I was baptized as a teen, but had fallen into a very legalistic, unhealthy church and mindset. I left that group a few years ago. Though I in no way felt that my teen baptism was wrong, I have felt that God might be prompting me to take this step. So, I wanted this to be a faith thing, and it very much was. I didn’t want it to be a denial of anything I’d already experienced, and it wasn’t. Baptism is a very important thing to me. I stayed in an unhealthy church, miserable, for nearly ten years simply because they were the only ones who baptized exactly the way they taught everyone had to in order to be saved. Baptism to me is huge.

Today the pastor mentioned several questions “someone” (me) had asked. Remembering those questions and answers at that moment was encouraging and reassuring. He also restated the meaning of baptism as signifying the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, which holds a whole lot of meaning for me. Though those may all be common practice for him, the personal significance was very meaningful. The words he said as he baptized us were something like, “by the authority of Jesus Christ, upon your confession of faith and trust in Him, I now baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” That was really terrific. Any last minute concerns I might have had were gone after the first person he baptized that way. The words were reassuring to me, if a bit foreign after nearly two decades in an unhealthy group.

For me, it feels like things have come full circle. When I joined my former group, I was told that I hadn’t really been a Christian before. But I was, and I couldn’t deny that. It put me on shaky ground. They told me one thing, I believed another, yet I believed what they taught about baptism and a few other things–the same things they used to say that I hadn’t been a Christian before I started attending their church. Things just felt out of kilter.

Over the last year and a half, there’ve been several times that it seemed like another piece fell into place and I regained a bit more balance. A few months after leaving, for instance, during an invitational at the church I then attended they led “whosoever will” in a “sinner’s prayer”. At my pew that day, I modified that prayer to a recommitment to Jesus, asking His forgiveness for my lack of understanding (through the years of trying to follow a church, organization or man, and trying to please people rather than Him), and asking His direction from that point. That was a wonderful day. It felt like the pieces reconnected somehow, that I could finally accept what had made a huge impact in my life as a child–accepting Jesus as my Savior (something strongly taught against in the group I’d been in).

There’ve been several other times that it seemed like a piece would fall into place–talking to a pastor and questioning him without being rebuked, leaving one church for another and still being accepted at both, learning what others truly believe and finding out that I agree… and etc.

But today was special in other ways. It meant trusting God enough to believe that being baptized as an act of faith and as a public testimony was not going to somehow “unsave” me. It was trusting others enough to go forward and trusting someone to baptize me, not knowing exactly what he might say or do. It was finding joy in knowing what I now believe and being assured of God’s grace. It was finding a place where I can belong, where I will be accepted and where people accept me. And it was finding that afterward, for the first time since leaving the unhealthy church, I felt completely comfortable raising my hands and worshiping any way I wanted, without questioning what others might be doing or trying to fit in. I don’t have to try to fit in. I just do.

That really has little to do with baptism in itself. Someone else will find that balance and that feeling of fitting or of all the pieces falling in place another way. No matter where or how that balance is found, I hope all of us who leave unhealthy groups find it. But for me, there was huge significance in this one simple act today.

For me it was just a very, very good experience.