No, when you hurt someone it’s not “only her”

It’s unbelievable really. I found what I thought was a great church. People cared for each other. I was making friends. The pastors were leading people to lead open, authentic, loving, grace filled lives.

Until they weren’t. One person. One person was all it took, stirring up trouble. That person wanted more limelight, wanted power. That person has gotten it. By getting someone else terminated from staff. That person celebrated the night this was announced. That person now parades around being called pastor. Apparently there has been more hurt. More people that person has wounded directly since. And many of us who have been indirectly wounded in the fall out.

I was told when it happened, of the person who was terminated, “oh, well, it was only [them].” Lies were repeated. Easily refutable lies. But the church leadership said nothing. I asked for a room to gather people to pray. I was told it was a good idea… but that I couldn’t have such a room, that I couldn’t call such a group together. In my own church. To PRAY.

People want to just keep going, supporting, doing. But is that right? When the leadership of a church unites together with someone who is spreading lies, protecting that person, letting them lead, naming them as a pastor? When the church has made no attempt to reach out to those who’ve left, and has, worse, ignored those who came, who tried to find some balance, when they tried to recommend some things that might help? Even some on staff have said they’d ask again. And I never hear back. I’ve been silenced, stonewalled, and shut out. People called when it first happened with “I don’t know if I can trust you…” There is so much division, so much hurt. And the wounds are growing.

I’ve done all I can. I want to stay and help in a way. There are people there whom I do not believe will be there for much longer, and I want to spend what little time we could have together…. together. But at the same time, I find myself sickened by the lack of action, ready to explode through the silencing, and more and more saddened and angered by the church’s willingness to just flow along blindly, to not see, to not care, to not hear… and to willfully silence any who would ask the burning question: “WHY?!?”

Tonight I deleted yet another facebook rant to that person. It’s become too much. It’s time to leave the situation. I wanted to stay through Advent, but now they’ve put that person up in a speaking role in every service, it seems. And I can’t. I can’t listen to that person talk any more about loving everyone, welcoming everyone, and working for justice while living the opposite. I can’t sit in class with people who tell me I shouldn’t lead (though I’d volunteered to) because surely someone else will be there who can. I can’t sit across from them in class while they disrupt, talk over me, or stare me down if they don’t think they’ll be seen. I can’t walk through the church and see those I thought were becoming friends stare past me and draw away. And I can’t keep wondering who’s next? Because when this started I was told repeatedly, oh, don’t worry. It’s just one. But it’s never just one. And no one is just or only anything. They – we – are whole people, imago dei, made in God’s image.

Though when I remind myself of this, I realize at present I’m having a lot of trouble seeing through all the damage done and remembering that even terrible, horrible people who would slander others in order to gain more power also have, somewhere in them, a spark of the divine.

UPDATE: it’s now five months later. It appears some action was finally taken. The main troublemaker appears to be gone, though may still be stirring up trouble behind the scenes. And the flying monkeys are still around, though they’ve quieted some. But they are still there, and I can’t help but wonder what might send them flying again. I took a few months basically off. Others left completely. It’s a sad situation for many, in my opinion. And because it’s still not discussed, nothing can change for the better in the long run. What happened this time will happen again, because no one was given an opportunity to reconcile or heal or even grieve together. And yet for now I’m back. Cautiously, watchfully, and not without extra safeguards in place.